Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
