I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
