if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
