Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
