We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
