youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
