You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
