Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
