Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
