They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have already put on my inside pants.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
