I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
