Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
