My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
