just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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