I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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