i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
