you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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