tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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