I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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