i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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