if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
