she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
