im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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