FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
