If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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