I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize