she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
