you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize