I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize