So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There r osticjed everywhere
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
