She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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