Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
