I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
