My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
