If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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