Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i dont even know how to be here
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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