wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize