i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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