Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
