i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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