how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
