Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
