I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
