batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
