3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
