Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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