i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
