This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
