i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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