I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize