Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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