I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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