i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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