After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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