I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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