Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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