I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
