I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She bit a glass in half.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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