So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
