I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
